SLAM!

I'm still trying to play catch up with my blog posts. I began writing in January. So each day I have been posting on facebook an old blog post from before I went live. I'm almost caught up. At least we're in the correct month now. I had been toying with the idea of a website and blog for years. I had been asked to do so by sweet people who thought...well, I don't know what they were thinking. I knew nothing about blogging. I didn't even follow a single blog. I must admit, I still don't. But I was willing to try if the Lord was in it. I knew if I blogged I wanted it to be hosted on my own website. So about seven or eight years ago, I came up with a domain name and secured it for two years. The two years quickly vaporized and I had not touched it. Oh, well. A couple of more years went by and, at the suggestion of a few friends, I tried again. The old domain name was no longer available (if you let them expire, someone unknown secures them and wants to sell them back to you for big bucks), so I bought a new name for two years. Again, nothing. Too busy. Too difficult. Not now. Money wasted. But this past winter, the thought of the site and blogging was again stirred in my heart and I knew this time that it was of the Lord. I was not under the influence of friends and except for a very tiny remnant of people, I was alone. It's truly amazing what God does in and with your life when you are alone. Big stuff. I was more alone for a while than I thought should be. But God knows. He'll not give us more than we can bear. He promised me that. And He had things for me to learn that I could not learn any other way. I needed to have no one to run to but Him. I cried about how unfair that was. He never got mad at me. He understood and let me cry. And then He began to show me what He wanted. And so, in January, God gave me a new domain name. One that matched perfectly with where I was with Him. And this time, the Lord lead me to build the site. I began blogging a little. I wrote and deleted a lot. For hundreds of hours. Therapy. I used to think that I needed someone to talk to. The counselor needs a counselor, too, right? Or a pastor. Or a friend. Or a puppy. :) But God told me clearly. He was to be my Counsel. He alone. He would speak to me through good preaching and through my own time in the Word of God. The precious Spirit of God was to be my Comforter. I was to lean heavy on Him, and He would be Everything I needed. I didn't always take that well. I kicked against the pricks, as the Bible says in the Acts of the Apostles. I cried. I screamed. I may have even demanded a thing or two from the Lord a few times. :) And He let me. He knows me. He loves me anyway. And each time I was finished with my temper tantrum, He would scoop me up and hold me close. Always. I was in His presence often. It honestly got so I felt like I could almost touch His face. Not Him walking with me here on earth. But me, in His presence there. I always had that thought about touching His face. But I knew that if He ever let me, I would be in heaven to stay. And He always sent me back. So, in January and February, I worked and built and wrote. I started posting blog posts. Posting to a site that only I could see. Sharing my heart. Therapy. With God alone as my counselor. And boy, is He good! I started to feel better. And stronger. At first He was my only 'follower'. Sometime soon I invited my 'foxhole' family in. (We'll talk of that another day.) My inner circle. I was looking for critiquers. I found none. They told me it was wonderful. They loved me more than they loved the truth. Ha! They were too nice! God directed me as to when I would go live. In mid-March I was speaking at a ladies conference. It was time. But I thought I needed someone to look things over first. I thought that I might not be thinking clearly at all and that I was likely to be about to make a fool of myself. The week of the conference I asked two people to look it over with me. Neither of them was available. Panic! I NEED someone other than my way-too-nice-family, Lord! No, Barbara. You just need Me. SLAM! Door shut. Okay, Lord. Just You. I think I get it now. :)